03 Aug 2025 5 min read Public

Why You Don’t Actually Want to Be Happy All the Time

If there were a magic button that made you happy forever… would you press it? Most people wouldn’t. That weird little fact says everything about what we really want from life — and how to build it on purpose.

(And What the Hell That Says About Us)

The Lie We Tell Ourselves

Let’s start with something dumb but true:

If you had a magical Happiness Button one you could press and instantly feel euphoric for the rest of your life, would you press it?

Forever-ever? Like, for the rest of your existence, you’d float around with the emotional profile of someone who just won a lifetime supply of golden retriever puppies, lemon sorbet, and 30C sunshine.

No sadness. No stress. No anger. Just… pure happy.

Weirdly, most people say:
“Hmm... no?”

Which is odd. Because don’t we all say the goal in life is to be happy?

You’ve said it. I’ve said it. Contestants cry about it on live TV.

“I just want to be happy!”

It’s the universally agreed-upon endgame.
The Final Boss of adult life.
The Meaning of It All.

So… why does the idea of permanent happiness feel kind of gross?

Because happiness isn’t the only thing we want.
And if we’re honest… it’s not even the main thing.

Meet Brainy the Brain

🧠 Brainy lives in your skull. He is squishy, twitchy, and 300,000 years old.
His job?

“Keep the meat-sack alive and reproducing.”

That’s it. He doesn’t care if you’re happy.
He cares if you’re safe.

So he runs you on three basic loops:

You feel good → keep doing that.
You feel bad → fix it.
You feel nothing → poke the meat-sack until it moves again.

It’s a dopamine-guided threat-detection system.
Great for surviving lions.
Terrible for modern life.

The Hedonic Treadmill

Imagine eating your favorite food every single day.

Day 1: Heaven.
Day 10: Fine.
Day 30: You’re crying marinara tears.

That’s happiness. It adapts. It fades. It resets.

Your brain normalises everything you get, even the good stuff so that you never stop chasing something new.

This isn’t a glitch.
This is the point.

The Weird Thing About Suffering

If happiness always resets... what keeps us going?

Progress.

More precisely: meaningful progress.

Brainy dangles the idea of “better” in front of you like a carrot tied to a treadmill:

Get fitter
Get richer
Become someone you don’t hate in the mirror

But here’s the fine print:

Progress requires pain.

You don’t grow while sipping sangria in a hammock.
You grow when:

You bomb a presentation and vow never to wing it again
You get dumped and realize your attachment style is chaos
You finish a workout that makes your organs cry

And here’s the twist:
You like this kind of pain.
You just don’t realize it until later.

We write songs about heartbreak.
We make movies about struggle.
We romanticize the grind.

Because deep down, we know:
Pain + purpose = satisfaction.
Not happiness. Satisfaction.

The Tiny Tyrant Inside You

Let’s check in on your inner voice.

Let’s call him Larry…

Larry is the annoying little goblin whispering:

“You’re not doing enough.”
“You should be farther by now.”
“Why aren’t you happy yet?”

He’s a bit of a dick.
But he’s also kind of right.

Because if you really were blissed out all the time, you’d stop doing the hard stuff that makes life feel real:

Building something
Fixing something
Facing something
Loving someone

That stuff’s not always happy. But it’s meaningful.

And meaning eats happiness for breakfast.

How to Trick Your Brain into Giving You the Good Kind of Pain

Let’s go back to Brainy.

He has two primary rules:

Avoid pain
Chase dopamine

Problem is, he’s terrible at nuance.

He can’t tell the difference between:

Real danger (grizzly bear)
Social discomfort (giving a toast)
Productive effort (writing a novel, lifting weights, raising a child)

So if we want to grow, we have to hack Brainy’s code.

Hack #1: Make the Pain Predictable

Brainy hates surprises. He loves patterns.

So:

Daily gym = easier than weekly
30 minutes writing each morning = easier than “when inspired”
Cold showers = only awful until day 5

Make discomfort routine, and it stops feeling dangerous.
You can hear Brainy grumble:

“Ugh, fine. Carry on.”

Hack #2: Attach the Pain to an Identity

Brainy resists anything that threatens your self-image.
But if the pain fits who you think you are?

He’s all in.

“I hate running” = pain
“I’m a runner” = purpose

So don’t “try” to:

Write — be a writer
Code — be a builder
Eat clean — be someone who fuels performance

Pain feels different when it fits your “I am.”

Hack #3: Reward the Process, Not the Outcome

Brainy loves short-term wins. He’s a dopamine junkie.

So hijack that:

Track streaks
Gamify repetition
Celebrate showing up

Don’t wait for the big moment.
Leave him a breadcrumb trail and he’ll keep going.

The Three Flavours of Pain (And Which One You Actually Want)

Not all pain is equal.
Some of it just sucks.
Some of it transforms you.

1. Useless Pain

This is emotional spam.

Ruminating
Self-hate
Staying stuck

Avoid. Delete. Block sender.

2. Transactional Pain

This is the grind.

Work now, reward later
Abs. Grades. Promotion.

Useful — but only if the reward works.

3. Transformational Pain

This is the gold.

Facing your fear
Admitting you were wrong
Failing forward

It’s brutal. But it rewires you.
And afterward, you say:

“I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”

Larry’s Redemption Arc

Let’s revisit Larry.

He’s not evil.
He’s just scared.

He thinks if he stops yelling, you’ll:

Waste your potential
Get rejected
Die penniless and alone

So instead of silencing him, give him a new job.

Turn Larry into your coach, not your critic.

Not:

“You’re not good enough.”
But:
“You’re not there yet. Let’s go.”

The Weird Freedom of Choosing Hard Things

Here’s the paradox:

The more you chase comfort, the harder life feels.
The more you chase challenge, the richer life becomes.

So don’t avoid struggle.
Pick your struggle.

Pick it like you’d pick a video game class.
Like a weapon.
Like a training weight.

Then carry it on purpose.

Your New Life Philosophy, in One Line

Forget the Happiness Button.

Here’s your new motto:

“I want to feel everything I’m built to feel—on purpose.”

Joy. Pain. Rage. Calm. Boredom. Lust. Loneliness.
Awkwardness. Wonder. Grief. Hope. Giddy excitement.

Not because every feeling is good.
But because every feeling is real.

And real is what we’re here for.

TL;DR

The Happiness Button is a trap
Your brain wants balance, not bliss
You don’t want to feel good—you want to feel alive
Pain isn’t just part of the deal—it’s how you grow
The right kind of struggle shapes who you become
Happiness isn’t the goal. Aliveness is.