Why Kids Ruin Everything (But Also Fix You at the Same Time)
Children ruin everything: your plans, your peace, your idea of who you were. And then they hand you a leaf and say it’s for you. A spiral about parenting, love, and losing control.
An overly detailed, emotionally confusing, semi-traumatised exploration of modern parenting, tiny humans, and why you keep crying in car parks.
Earth Was Fine Until Children
Earth is almost the perfect planet.
Mountains. Trees. Fresh bread. WiFi.
Then you add kids.
And everything goes sideways.
Not just logistically. Existentially.
They ruin your plans, your sleep, your carpets, your understanding of your own mental stability. And then they say “I love you more than the moon” and you’re a puddle on the floor again.
Children are uninvited, unpredictable, and often sticky.
They arrive without instructions, rewire your emotional operating system, and then ask if worms have best friends.
This is their emotional weather system.
1. The Paradox
Imagine a 35-year-old man doing what your toddler does.
- Screaming because the banana broke.
- Licking the TV.
- Punching you because you said no to ice cream, in the bath.
That man would be arrested.
But when kids do it, it’s “cute.”
This is the Paradox: they are untrained sociopaths with excellent PR teams.
They are biological malware wrapped in giggles and snack requests.
They wake up with demands. They go to sleep with threats. They hold your hand in the car and say things like, “Do you think clouds get lonely?”
They are chaos. But personalised.
And you’re the one who named it.
2. Behavioural Terrorism (aka: The Laws They Do Not Respect)
Children do not respect:
- Sleep schedules
- Your personal space
- Basic laws of physics
- Conversations that don’t involve them
- The fact that things cost money
They operate on what scientists call the Perpetual Why Loop — a neurological glitch where every answer spawns three more questions, all of which make you question your degree, your career, and the existence of gravity.
Example:
You: “That’s a truck.”
Them: “Why?”
You: “Because it carries things.”
Them: “Why?”
You: “Because... we need things to be carried.”
Them: “Why?”
You: “...Because society.”
They are irrational, relentless, and very often hate-fueled.
And they know exactly when to go limp in a public place.
3. The Emotional Manipulation Index
This part’s important. Because if kids just ruined everything, we’d sell them to pirates.
But they don’t.
They ruin your day, then fix your soul.
They scream for 90 minutes because their toast was “too brown,” and then hand you a leaf they found and whisper, “I made this for you.”
It’s emotional blackmail. But with glitter.
There’s a term for this: The Gift Loop
- Child causes your nervous system to collapse.
- Child hands you a rock.
- You cry and keep the rock forever.
4. The Mood Types of Children
Like weather systems, children come in threat levels.
The Silly Front
- Asks if clouds have best friends
- Wears pants on their head
- Laughs because they said “poo”
Threat Level: Low
Vulnerability: Ticklish
