The Octopus Tries to Love
The Decision-Making Octopus, Part III
Read The Decision-Making Octopus — an 8-part series about internal chaos, emotional sabotage, and showing up anyway.
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← Part II: The Day the Octopus Became a Father
Love Is Simple
Unless you’re you.
In which case, love is a complicated, high-stakes obstacle course guarded by an insecure octopus with a clipboard, a panic button, and a lifelong distrust of compliments.
This is what happens when someone tries to love you… and the Octopus panics.
How the Octopus Reacts to Affection
Imagine someone walks up and says:
“I see you. I care about you. You’re safe here.”
Nice, right?
Here’s how the Octopus processes that:
| Tentacle | Internal Reaction |
|---|---|
| Wounded Kid | “You’re lying.” |
| Ghost | “We’ve heard this before. Remember how that ended?” |
| Perfectionist | “They’ll change their mind when they see who you really are.” |
| Guilt | “You don’t deserve this. You haven’t earned it.” |
| Fuck-It | “Shut it down. Run.” |
All that happens in under half a second.
On the outside, you might just say “thanks” or do an awkward little head nod.
But inside? It's a full-blown tentacle riot.
The Performance of Being Fine
Somewhere along the way, the Octopus learned that love is conditional.
Conditional on:
- Being funny
- Being useful
- Being okay
- Needing less than you actually do
So it built a mask. A competent one.
The unspoken rule was:
“If I don’t act lovable, they’ll leave.”
So when someone says “I love you” and doesn’t follow it with a job description, the Octopus doesn’t know what to do.
It feels like a trick. Or a test. Or some cruel version of trust-fall roulette.
Which is how you end up smiling while feeling hollow, and apologising when someone hugs you too long.
How the Octopus Loves (Badly, But Sincerely)
Despite all this, the Octopus still tries.
It just… loves weirdly.
Instead of saying “I love you,” it:
- Fixes the leaky tap you never mentioned
- Sends you a playlist titled “weird moods I can’t explain”
- Replaces the lightbulb in your favourite lamp without saying a word
- Cuts toast into triangles because you like that
- Brings you coffee the way you like it without asking
It’s not eloquent. It’s not smooth.
But it means it.
