I Just Wanted an Axe. Now I Know the Metallurgical History of Scandinavia

🔓 This post is free to read — part of the Ritual North public journal.

It started, as these things usually do, with a need.
Not an emotional one. A logistical one.

I needed an axe.

Something sturdy. Something honest.
Something to split logs and firewood without feeling like a cosplay dad in a Fjällräven jacket.

That was the plan.

What actually happened was this:

Phase 1: Logical Need

Requirement: One (1) axe.
Purpose: Firewood. Camping. Vague sense of primal competence.
Budget: Reasonable.
Emotional investment: 2/10.

I Googled “best axes UK.”

That was my first mistake.

Phase 2: Mild Curiosity

Four tabs open. A few YouTube reviews.
Some sensible chatter about handle types and head shapes.

Apparently, hickory is good. Swedish steel is better.
At this stage I still believed I was normal.

Phase 3: Full Spiral

Seventeen tabs.
Reddit arguments.
One ancient forum post from a logger named “PaulBunyan_84” that now reads like scripture.

I start saying things like “grain orientation” and “convex edge geometry” out loud.
I begin judging other people’s tools. Silently. Aggressively.

Phase 4: Identity Crisis in Tool Form

This is no longer about chopping wood.

This is about who I am as a man.

Do I want a Gränsfors Bruk Small Forest Axe? Too curated. Too “men with clean boots”.
Do I want a Council Tool? Feels right, but do I need to move to Montana first?

Do I restore a vintage head myself?
Do I build a forge?
Do I rename myself Björn and only speak in monosyllables?

Phase 5: The Purchase(s)

I bought one.
Then another.
Then one more, just in case the first two were lies.

I now own:

1. Gränsfors Bruk Wildlife Hatchet Small. Sharp. One-handed For kindling.
   
2. Gränsfors Bruk Large Splitting Axe 3.5 lb head. Long handle For splitting logs.
   
3. Hults Bruk Felling Axe For felling trees.

Phase 5.5: Bonus Spiral – Book Edition

I also bought a book.
About the history of axes.
Written by a tech guy who sold his company and now lives off-grid, probably in a cabin, definitely with better lighting than mine.

Books I Definitely Bought While Avoiding Decisions:

• The Way Home – Mark Boyle
• The Ax Book – Dudley Cook
• American Axe – Brett McLeod

And Then There Were Videos

This is how the algorithm dies.
Not with a bang — but with a blade.

Three that ruined my YouTube feed:

What I Told Myself the Axe Was For (And What It Was Actually For)

The Five Types of Axe Buyers

What the Axe Doesn’t Fix

• Your inbox
• Your marriage
• Your low-level dread about global collapse
• Anything made of metal
• Your child’s speech delay
• The world

But it feels like it might.

Post-Axe Life: What’s Changed

• I oil wood handles with reverence
• I own a strop
• I’ve uttered the phrase “Scandi grind”
• I inspect the grain of strangers’ axes
• I am one bad week away from becoming “The Log Whisperer”

Final Thought

I bought an axe. Then two more. Now I look forward to chopping wood.

🪓 RITUAL NORTH: AXE BUYING CHEAT SHEET

Here’s everything I wish I’d known before I lost two weeks of my life to axe research.

A cheat sheet. So you don’t have to spiral. Unless you want to..

Purpose First:

• Splitting → heavy, short, wedge
• Felling → long, light, convex
• Camp → compact/hatchet
• Spiral → any of the above + guilt

Head Shape:

• Convex = durable, all-purpose
• Flat = bitey, brittle
• Weight: 900g (light) to 2kg+ (you okay?)

Handle:

• Hickory or ash. Never composite.
• Straight = control. Curved = ergonomics.
• 35–45cm = small. 60–90cm = big boy.

Top Picks:

• Gränsfors Bruk SFA (yes, it’s good)
• Hultafors HY 10
• Adler Rheinland
• Vintage + ego
• Council Tool (if you know, you know)

Warning Signs You’re Spiralling:

• Whispering “bit geometry” in your sleep
• Bookmarking PDF manuals from 1983
• Considering a forge
• Judging YouTubers
• Flannel purchases not aligned with weather patterns

Final Advice:
You only need one.
You’ll buy three.
Pick the one that feels like you when no one’s watching.